We Need To Talk

Life was as erratic as London's weather. Ayra's approval to change the relationship status from flatmate to girlfriend had put the couple at ease. However, only time would tell how naive they were & what would unravel next. As an add-on to their topsy-turvy life, the pandemic had set in.

The trial period neared an end & neither of them was sure where they stood. The duo wanted to converse, yet something held them back. As a cue, the pandemic receded & on a Saturday evening, Ayra was off for a sleepover.

Vishaka took on the opportunity & announced, "We need to talk."

Krish swallowed hard & nodded in agreement. As a routine, they cooked dinner together. The usual chatter at the dining table was minimal & both rehearsed their lines in their mind. Once they tidied up the kitchen and finished the household chores, there was nothing to do but talk.

She offered, "Cognac?"

While he agreed & walked towards the cabin to fetch glasses, she roasted cinnamon & added it to the brandy. They settled cosily in the living area couch, fleece-socked feet & a glass of cinnamon-flavoured Cognac.

The glasses clinked & they unanimously voiced, "Cheers."

The duo sipped silently & the heat from the brandy eased their nerves.

Deftly, she declared, "You, first. Start with the thing that bothers you the most."

He choked on Cognac; how smartly she put the ball in his court. He shifted on the couch to face her.

In utter confusion, he asked, "After a nasty fight, you fall asleep immediately. How?"

She suppressed her laugh & sipped Cognac to hide it.

He noticed the laugh & frowned, "When I cannot fall asleep, you sleep like a baby. At times, you even snore!"

She looked at him with loving eyes & smiled, which threw him off guard.

She replied, "Fights, arguments & disagreements are part & parcel of life. I'm happy that I have you to fight with, so I sleep well."

He spat, "What nonsense!"

She patiently explained, "However glamorous & hectic working across countries & travel, at the end of the day, I went back to a cold, dark, & empty hotel room. When I lay alone in bed, all my miseries would surface. I have cried myself to sleep, unknowing it was depression."

She paused to sip brandy & asked, "Do you know what the worst part?"

Neither did he have the courage to respond, nor did she wait.

She admitted, "The nights when I couldn't cry. I lay sleepless in bed, turning side to side until the early hours of the day. Silence is deafening..."

She emptied the glass & poured another drink.

Her eyes teared up, "Now I look forward to coming home. Do you know how good it feels to say 'home', not a hotel name?"

She paused to savour what she had spoken, smiled & consumed brandy.

She continued, "I craved for a home, stability & a fixed routine. I enjoy Ayra's laugh, cry, or tantrum. I relish every moment of our lives, our happy times & fights. Our fights do get nasty at times. Angrily, we sleep with our backs to each other. Later in the night, I roll over towards you, you put your arm across me & pull me closer. I sleep peacefully, knowing you are beside me."

He was at a loss for words & tried to understand what she had expressed, his drink was untouched. He looked at her with bewilderment, for he was unaware of his actions.

She understood his thoughts & added, "You have always had loved ones around, a wife to talk to & a daughter who made your world beautiful. It is hard for you to understand."

She encouraged him to drink & watched him keenly.

He emptied the glass & posed his next question, "What action of mine made you the angriest?"

She thought for a while & replied, "Just that once when we met at the coffee shop. I was furious that you did not value what was at hand."

Cognac was doing its work; it finally hit him how much he took life for granted. He poured another peg & thought through.

He did a bottom-up & asked, "Did you fear that I would take you for granted? Is that the reason you wanted to live in?"

She looked away for a few minutes, met his eyes & nodded a 'Yes'. The late-night conversation was a revelation & enlightenment. He sank deeper into the couch. He started on the third drink & she was onto her fourth drink.

He questioned, "Tonight, everything that you have conveyed shook my foundation; there are actual cracks. Have I even made a dent?"

She laughed, "Oh, you have no clue."

She elaborated, "I had built a strong & reliable belief system. I couldn't see things any other way. You brought in fresh insight about everything. You challenged me; it frustrated me & taxed my brain. At the same time, you made me realise that I had lived in a self-imposed exile. You healed me in ways that I cannot begin to put into words."

He was puzzled, "Like what?"

She explained, "You take things the way they come. Unlike me, who meticulously plans everything. I have backup plans; plural, not singular. You taught me that I did not have to do it all by myself. You made me unlearn everything."

She sipped brandy & continued, "Every day, no matter how stressful your day was, tired or busy you were, you made time for me. It could have been only a quarter of an hour, but you were there for me, only me & no other distractions. You made my day, count my blessings & fall asleep with a smile. You gave me a haven."

She added, "On a weighing balance, if I put all my life experience on one side & you on the other. You are the opposite of my tenet. You bring balance to my life."

He couldn't believe his ears, let alone understand what she meant.

He asked, "Do you still fear that I would leave you?"

Her eyes swelled with painful tears & she was strong enough not to let them spill over her lids.

His heart ached, stomach lurched & whispered, "Why, baby? Why would you think that?"

She smiled & the tears spilt, she wiped them bravely.

She replied, "What if I wasn't... What if you thought..."

She couldn't find the right words to form a sentence.

She uttered, "I thought I wouldn't be any closer to Meera, let alone as good as her."

He cried, "Meera? Why would you do that to yourself? Why haven't you said a word about it?"

She wept, "I don't know, she is your wife & gave you Ayra."

The night was getting cold, and so was the aura in the living room. He noted that Vishaka spoke about Meera in the present tense. He couldn't believe he had not thought on those lines all this while.

He enquired, "Are you insecure?"

She shook her head, "Not insecure, uncertain."

He scratched his head, "Now what does that even mean?"

She explained, "I'm not insecure as a person, I'm aware of myself & accept my flaws. In the first year, I was certain about this relationship, but the second year put me in a fix."

He questioned, "What changed?"

She smiled, "First year, I was happy to be coming home, the stability gave me comfort & peace. In the second year, unexpectedly, the pandemic hit & we were around each other all the time."

He interrupted, "What? In such tough times, wouldn't it be a blessing to have a support system? How can being home together cause uncertainty?"

She bit her lip & claimed, "I felt claustrophobic & at times, it was overwhelming. For the first time, I missed my own space & me time. It made me realise how much I enjoyed being out & meeting people. That's when the uncertainty set in, what if I cannot live like this for years?"

He cited, "The pandemic will come to an end."

She sighed, "Yeah, I know. Yet the lingering thought of uncertainty at the back of my mind doesn't die."

She shook her head, closed her eyes & pinched the bridge of her nose. He moved closer to her on the couch. She placed her heavy head on his chest. It was ironic if it was the time for him to rethink or reassure her. The couple couldn't figure out how long they lay in each other's arms.

She raised her aching neck, whispered, "I think we should get some sleep."

He detested, "No way! After this conversation, I'm sure you will fall asleep & I will lie awake. I want to finish this conversation. No matter what."

She chuckled, "Change of drink to hot water, I can't stomach any more Cognac."

While she poured hot water into a flask, he cleared the Cognac bottle & picked a pair of fresh glasses. He couldn't understand whether Cognac or the fear of what came next caused a fresh release of acid in his belly. They settled on opposite sides of the couch, facing each other. The duo recalled the deja vu of a similar conversation on the penthouse balcony.

He took the lead & asked, "Is there anything you would like to ask me?"

She sipped water silently & he patiently waited.

She asked the unthinkable, "After 2 years of me giving you a really hard time. Do you still want to be with me?"

He gasped, "What? Of course! What is the matter with you?"

She sat still, stone-cold & did not flinch.

He panicked, "You want more time? Am I not doing enough? What is it? Say it!"

She coolly replied, "No, I just asked."

He leaned back, 'Just asked?' He looked at the glass & wondered if he should go back to Cognac.

He pressed, "You don't have anything else to ask?"

She shook her head & he continued to grimace. She sniffed, sipped some water & closed her eyes.

He asked, "What do you want to do next?"

She stared at a spot on the couch and replied, "I don't know."

The duo sat in silence & drank hot water until the flask emptied. One couldn't understand what to do next, let alone think about what's on the other person's mind.

She stood up & declared, "Let's talk in the morning."

A deafening silence had set in.

Takeaway:

• The one who has it all doesn't know the value; the deprived one knows it.

• Courageous one sails through difficult phases of life & hard conversations only due to one's resolve.

P.S.: The story is a sequel to "The Father Daughter Talk"